Why Cockney Gangster Films Are So Shit
And Getting Worse...
Hey, it’s just a personal opinion.
Since early childhood and those black-and-white James Cagney movies, I’ve loved gangster films. They were all American initially, but an appreciation for French and Italian crime films eventually developed. Sadly, I draw the line at English efforts. I’d go as far as to say that I dislike them and I’m unsure if we’ve ever made a great one. There have been some good heist movies but gangster? The best I can think of over the last quarter of a century would be Sexy Beast which probably falls under the heist category, with a bit of gangster shit thrown in but let’s be honest, the worst episode of The Sopranos or The Wire leaves it for dead. For a host of reasons, we seem incapable of making a decent gangster film. Maybe I’m wrong and if I ever turned the comments on, you’d be able to put me straight but this is ‘The Wonder of Me’. If You want the wonder of you, create your own Substack. I swear to God, it’s a piece of piss…
Due to writing this, I’ve read through a list of the top 50 British Gangster, Crime, Prison, Urban film (I think they meant ‘films’) ever.’ It’s compiled by something called Britflicks. There are maybe five you’d watch and most of those are over thirty years old. The level of expertise that went into the vast majority of these films is nonexistent and the level of insight in compiling the list is (somehow) sub-non-existent. Think I’m exaggerating? Have a look for yourself. I tried to put the link in, a few times, but it wouldn’t work. Maybe I should reserve judgment on the' Urban' ones, as I’ve never heard of any of them and there’s always a slim chance that one might be good. Having seen the posters/blurb though, I find it doubtful.
At the foot of the screen, there’s an interview with a guy who was in an English film entitled ‘Bull’. I’m pleased it was there as I once watched the opening five minutes and it was driving me mad not being able to recall the title, as I was desperate to convey to you, just how fucking atrocious this was. Bull is the worst thing I’ve seen in my life and I’ve seen some shit. So…
The other Saturday I found myself standing at the eight-bus stop, by Shoreditch Box Park. The reason for this was that my wife had insisted on us going and wandering around an old house that the National Trust (or similar), had opened for the day. I could have lived without spending an hour shuffling from room to room, nodding dutifully whenever she pointed to features she liked. This though, as they say in The Sopranos is ‘The life we’ve chosen.” The property was situated off Brick Lane, making the trip all the more joyous. Adding insult to injury, neither of us was hungry which meant forgoing our customary bagel. Or as they spell it down there ‘beigel’. For me, that bakery is that vicinity’s only saving grace. I prefer their Salt Beef to Selfridges and, as I suspect it’s from the same source, that’s purely down to the way it’s served. Selfridges is too sanitised and all that weighing the meat- man, that’s way too clinical. Can you name a film where Cockney villains are eating Salf-beef? No, yet it’s a thing…
A hangover no doubt from the massive influence Jews had on London criminality. Remnants were still evident when I was introduced to the world of Spivery, back in the early 70s. Much of the ‘ham’ included Yiddish terminology. Maybe it still does?
So, as we’re waiting for the number eight, a black (half-open) double-decker bus passes on the other side of the road, heading towards Bethnal Green. On the side, written in gold, the words ‘Gangster Tours’. Along with, also in gold, a couple of knuckledusters. On the top deck was a gentleman holding a mic- no doubt the tour guide. Who, according to my wife, looked something of a bruiser. These tours may be tongue-in-cheek, who knows? I strongly suspect the punters onboard were about to be educated on those infamous twins. Who, if we’re brutally honest, led a disastrous life of crime. How can you say that, they’re famous? This isn’t Britain’s Got Talent, once a criminal’s name becomes part of the public domain, that criminal has failed.
Many of those producing UK Gangster films appear to have (conscious or otherwise) an enthrallment with Ronnie and Reggie Kray. Which, to an extent, understandable as, whether you like it or not, those gentlemen had a mystique. Maybe this is why UK filmmakers suffer from a preoccupation with 60s villains. Often, despite a film being set in the present day, the storyline and theme remain true to that period and the cast, is predominantly white.
Months back I began watching a London gangster film, possibly on Netflix. I can’t recall the title as I only stayed with it for three minutes and, when I relate the opening, you may understand why…two guys walking into a more or less empty pub and demanding money with menaces. AKA ‘protection money’. From what I could decipher, this was an ongoing relationship and the publican had been ‘late’ with his payment. Who writes this shit and where’s the time machine they stepped out of? I’d like to pop back to the 30s to witness Arsenal running the show and, while there, pick up some old-fashioned Mothballs. The modern ones are fucking useless.
Few UK filmmakers take the time to understand how that money becomes legitimate- as it’s too much like hard work. Instead, it’s all fat stacks and grinning faces. The truth today is that even if a criminal is meticulous in hiding those ill-gotten gains, once he/she becomes a target for the government, it’s only a matter of time before it’s over.
Using ‘The Twin’s’ criminal MO as a reference point for a film or worse- a career is akin to having the blueprint for a yacht and expecting to build a plane. The worst part is that, to my knowledge, none have included possibly the greatest line ever to have been (allegedly) uttered in a British Court of Law, when Ronnie enquired of the judge “Is this going to take long? I’m supposed to be meeting Judgy for lunch.” Whether true or just a fable, that line’s got to go in- surely? Were this Kray preoccupation stemming from middle-class kids who’d graduated from film school, it might be understandable, but it is au contraire. It seems to emanate from working-class adults who didn’t attend film school or, quite possibly, any form of school whatsoever. Mind you, some of them are getting a few quid out of it so, good luck to all concerned on that front.
On looking through that horrendous list of Britflick’s, another issue became apparent, the obsession with violence. I understand it ‘sells’ but regarding gangster films, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but… they’ve got it all wrong. Cheap violence in films creates cheap characters and cheap characters have no depth. You can make money out of two-dimensional film characters but you’ll not make a great film. For that, you need to illuminate the human condition and that, my friends, is a stone-cold fact…
In primary school, most boys are preoccupied with two questions, who’s the fastest runner and who’s the best fighter? I’d plump for fastest as you won’t be surrounded by grovellers, secretly resenting you. Also, reigning in the first category ensures you’d never have to worry about who topped the second, as they’re never going to catch you. The preoccupation with fisticuffs in boys and testosterone-filled young men is natural but if you’re middle-aged and still enthralled by somebody else’s ability to ‘have a row’. It might be that you’ve got a problem and need therapy and- you know, tout de suite.
Don’t get me wrong, most men are mildly intrigued/impressed by somebody’s ability to hold their hands up. If not, professional combat sports wouldn’t exist but they do and, with the upsurge in MMA, interest in them is growing rather than diminishing. Perhaps this is why so many poor gangster films focus on violence rather than money. When they deal with fiscal matters, it’s always cash and cash, to a criminal, is an issue. This is Crime 101 but it’s easy to make the cash, it’s a lot more difficult to justify it and- if you can’t, the government will simply come and take it all… That’s how they roll.
UK filmmakers seldom, if ever, take the time to understand how that money becomes legitimate. Probably because it’s too much like hard work. Instead, it’s all fat stacks and grinning faces. The truth, in today’s world, is that even if a criminal is meticulous in hiding those ill-gotten gains, once he/she becomes a target for the authorities, it’s only a matter of time before it’s over. As the standards in lower echelons of the Met have drastically dropped, those at the top, have dramatically risen. To the extent that, if you’re a serious criminal in this day and age, it’s terrifying. So, to reiterate, the trick is to ensure that you, as a criminal, steadfastly remain as far from the public eye, as humanly possible. Observing somebody living under that intense pressure would be interesting but alas, we never get to, because those serving up the stories are infinitely more interested in violence. Not only does it sell but it’s far easier to create. Rather than plotting an intricate story, they just throw in (yet) another- ridiculous shootout.
Speaking of professional combat sports (slick segway Mick), I’m a half-arsed boxing fan and years back, there was a pro fighter named Rocky Kelly who, I think, hailed from Liverpool. Either way, Rocky was an all-action sort of gent, which ensured he sold tickets. He sold so many tickets that, on the one occasion I went to watch him, the venue’s bar, ran out of half glasses. This entailed many of us having to drink our Light Ale or bottled lager, from a pint glass. All was well until, from somewhere behind me, I heard “Pint glass- pint glass? I can’t be drinking out of a pint glass.” I eventually turned to see who was coming out with this shit, and sure enough, the guy was as obnoxious as envisaged. Strutting about, pointing to his (pint) glass and repeatedly informing the assembled “I can’t drink out of this.” He then, of course, proceeded to do precisely that.
Francis Albert, sorry I couldn’t resist…
I’ve no doubt Pint Glass knew a few ‘chaps’ and I’d go a-pound-to-a-penny that he’d be dropping their names, within five minutes of meeting you, and I rarely, if ever, bet. The only problem I foresee with that wager- would be in finding a bookie to accept it. None of them, sadly, were born yesterday. Nowadays, Pint Glass’s ilk is found on YouTube, endlessly banging on about Lennie McLean. Or, of course, ‘The Essex Boys’.
Pint Glass is the type films are based on because he, as stated, is the type who talks to those who make films. They fall for his BS because they’re desperate to make a film and lack the imagination/skill to create a decent story. When it goes straight to DVD, Pint Glass is depicted as a loveable rogue, as opposed to a complete and utter prick…
The Problem (s)…
Looking on, from the outside, it seems that there are currently two distinct camps producing English ‘Gangster’ films. On one hand, we have the cultural appropriation consistently perpetuated by Guy ‘Citizen’s Arrest’ Richie. On the other, a coterie of groups, producing some of the worst films in cinematic history. It saddens me to say it but Citizens Arrest’s are better but in the Kingdom of the Blind and all that…
Quentin is an amazing talent, I saw ‘Reservoir Dogs’ in the cinema when it came out and knew nothing about the film, other than, that I disliked it. One can appreciate an artist’s work without taking to it. My dread around Tarrentino was the copy-cats he’d spawn. It was nailed on there’d be a few and Citizens Arrest, is a prime example. At least Arrest’s films, despite being inauthentic and filled with tiresome caricatures, are slick, fast-paced and ultimately, though I hate to admit it - amusing. To many at least.
The other lot’s work is so piss-poor that it’s not worth critiquing. What’s worth asking though, is did they know that there were that many morons in the world, or did the ghost of Michael Winner appear, saying ‘Film it and they’ll come…” Given some of their sales, it seems as though they’ve got a direct link to a global supply of utter imbeciles.
As for TV, one only has to look at ‘Gangs of London’ to understand how far that’s regressed. While TV in The States has, for years now, surpassed cinema. Over here, it just gets progressively worse. Euston Films were producing better content at a fraction of the cost of today’s offerings and, in the immortal words of Bunk Moreland-
A Few Telltale Signs…
Here are some warnings that what you’re about to watch, is a load of bollocks. ‘Last’ Last bank job, last drug deal, the last contract kill. The list is endless. What’s it all about? Is the protagonist going to do this one last whatever and suddenly become a worthwhile and productive member of society? Perhaps, after this last drug deal, he’ll dedicate his life to saving endangered wildlife. Hmm, “Oh, God I, hope he makes it…”
A Kingpin… They love the concept of somebody ‘running things’ but nobody runs anything other than their own business. It’s chaos out there, and it always has been.
Another thing that’s extremely popular with writers- is the dyed-in-the-wool gangster (seriously) entangled with a posh woman. Mario Puzo had Michael marry Kay but she was a school teacher, she wasn’t a society girl. Had the wonderous Apolonia not been blown to smithereens, that wouldn’t have happened and we’d have been deprived of Michael’s inner conflict. Mr Puzo knew this onions. Being American, The Godfather story isn’t subject to our archaic and all-pervasive- class system. Like any subsect, the criminal fraternity, especially the career criminal one, sticks to its own. This isn’t due to ancient criminal law, carved into a criminal tablet, buried deep, in a criminal cave, on criminal a mountain, on the outskirts of criminal Corleone… it’s common sense.
Overuse of (traditional) Cockney slang. Nobody talks like that and I mean - nobody. Barring, that is, characters in these films and divvy football thugs and, the instant somebody starts with that shit, you know they’re from out of town. The ‘Ham’ may get used on occasion but even then, you’re running the risk of sounding like an idiot. Years ago, the Aristocracy (Citizen’s mob- couldn’t resist) would change things up once the middle class caught on. It’s the same with the Criminal Class, once a term bleeds into the general vernacular, it’s dropped and replaced by another. Ad infinitum.
There is a slue of warning signs but to save time, avoid anything featuring Danny Dyer. Not on the grounds of him being a piss-poor actor, which he certainly is but rather, due to the fact anyone casting him, lacks all forms of critical judgement. In short, if Danny’s in it, the thing is going to be bottom-of-the-barrel Cockney bullshit.
Jeez Mick, can you stop being so fucking negative mate?
I can try… For my part, there have been a few onscreen examples of London villainy that hit the mark and, with remarkable precision. The first was the TV adoption of GF Newman’s ‘Law & Order’. It was a four-parter and each was frighteningly real. There is nothing glamourous in this show and ultimately, there’s nothing glamourous about that life. Depicting it as such is more fantastical than anything Disney ever produces.
If anybody’s interested the show’s available on DVD but I warn you, watching it is an extremely depressing experience. I saw it on telly when it came out in 78 and a single viewing (of each EP) was quite enough for me thank you very much. Fuck that shit…
Another, somewhat bizarrely, is the film Performance from 1970. Or at least, the first half hour or so. It goes right off the rails after that but James Fox’s portrayal of an up-and-coming villain is, against all the perceived wisdom, exceptional. The English class system has much to answer for and oddly, it has a strangely adverse effect on casting. Often ‘the real deal’ is plumped for over the better actor and the work pays the price. That said, the eagle-eyed might recognise a certain well-known villain in the scenes below. James Fox may not be an obvious casting choice but it was an inspired one…
The Sweeney… This was the first UK TV show, to my knowledge, to feature the odd instance of criminals getting away with it. These episodes were few and far between but we’d watch each week in the hope that this installment would be one of them. Like all that I’m sticking up, The Sweeney may appear somewhat dated now but we loved it and the theme tune’s still burnt into my memory. This show caught the zeitgeist perfectly and in Jack, they had a copper for the ages. It was fucking brilliant.
Oliver! While GF Newman’s tour de force illuminates the harsh realities of London villainy. Lionel Bart’s brilliant interpretation of the Dickens classic captures the essence of something that’s far more elusive and incredibly difficult to define. It could be termed camaraderie but at its best, it’s a lot more than that. At its worst- a lot less but we all know that.. Yet, along the way, there are some high old times and this film captures them brilliantly. I know it’s a strange choice but it is… The Wonder of Me…
The setting for Fagins Den was in a ‘Rookery’ on Saffron Hill, Clerkenwell. Relatively nearby was London’s worst and biggest, the Rookery of St Giles. So problematic was this place that, along Jacobs Island, Bermondsey and Old Nichol Street, in the East End, it was eventually raised to the ground. To paraphrase the brilliant historian Peter Ackroyd, from his definitive book ‘London a Biography’. He describes what was erected in its place ‘New Oxford Street’ as one of the most soulless stretches of the city he’s ever encountered. He’s right, as a modern-day resident, I’m all too aware of the fact. An extremely intelligent and talented man named Peter Gill, a legendary figure in British theatre. At least, to anyone who knows their onions, once explained how London’s criminal fraternity was the oldest in the world. It made sense too. Yet, this was a long time ago and I’ve forgotten the details but he convinced me. Given which, don’t you think it deserves better representation than is currently getting?
The general perception of London’s population is that it’s one of transience and while that’s largely true there are families around Holborn, south Islington, Bermondsey and the East End,m who can trace their lineage back three hundred years. My Nan’s family, who are by any standards, a rough old lot, pre-date the Victorian Brick-fields. All their stories, oral histories passed down through generations, create a culture. One that, when it’s not being ridiculed by Citizens Arrest is, and always has been, loathed by the ever ‘liberal and always progressive’ middle class. Well, man, I say fuck that shit…
Shut Up and Drink Your Gin!
If you’re interested in learning more about London’s Rookerys. copy & paste the link below;
https://landmarksinlondonhistory.wordpress.com/2017/12/06/st-giles-rookery-the-lost-london-landmark/